Last week was a rotten mess. A young woman who had asked me to find a Foster Family, made a formal complaint with the police that I was keeping her from her cat. My husband and a friend of hours retrieved the cat from the Foster Home, and returned her to her home. I found out that my friend is going to lose her right leg. She is a severe diabetic, She lost her left leg just before Christmas. Now she will have to go to a nursing home. :( I found out that we had lost a big cleaning contract that would have helped us greatly with our finances. It was such a bummer. By the time the weekend arrived I was a bear. I was yelling at people in traffic, I was angry at my husband with no justification. I just wanted to be left alone.

I went to church on Sunday. It wasn't too bad, but when I am having a hard week I don't want anyone touching me. I always feel like their hug is burning my skin. I stayed out of the way of the crowds, as much as I could. I listened to the praise team and the sermon during thefirst service, by the time the second one rolled around I was ready to be done.I went out to the car and watched Grey's Anatomy and coloured until my husband was done.

I hate being this way. I am so trapped within myself that I don't know how to break free. It is a really difficult time dealing with this disease. It SUCKS in so many ways. We need so much more awareness for people who are so ignorant, I hope I can do what I can to make that happen.

Dark!
Over the past few months, I have been in a very dark place. I have been suicidal and have lost all interest in living my life. I have a very hard time finding any energy to keep my house clean, sometimes even my own body.

My dreams never come true, the exception was finding my soulmate. I wanted to be married and a Mom more than anything. I found my prince, but being a Mom eluded me, F ive years ago last month I found out that I had stage 4 endometriosis. The only treatment was a complete radical hysterectomy. We then turned to adoption. We were then turned down for adoption because our home is not up to the province's standards, yet they let a teenager take her baby home to either sleep in atrocious conditions or neglect them all together.

There were more things this week but I am too exhausted to keep going. I will write more later!

A New Day, I think!

If anyone is reading my blog, I want to apologize for my absence. I haven't even been able to gather my thoughts, so it wouldn't have been much of a post.

I started with a new counselor because she was closer geographically. It was really hard to have to go back and start from the beginning, when some of those issues have been resolved. I have been to her twice but its not going to work out.

I called the counselor that I have had for 13 years, and he agreed to see me. He has given up session work. He and his wife own a retreat called \'\In the Stillness". It is a beautiful place but we have no way of taking two or three days to go there. One, we have no one to take care of our dogs, Two, I couldn't be away from home that long, I guess there are only two! 

I has a psychiatrist appointment last Friday. I was surprised how well it went. I was finally able to get a real diagnosis of what is lurking under my umbrella of Mental Illness.

The doctor said, that I have PTSD, OCD, SAD, Generalized Anxiety disorder, Agoraphobia and Borderline Personality Disorder. The last one scared me because of all the ways that they use it on TV. I did some research and found that it was just like any of my other disorders.

Thanks for reading? Talk soon!

Growing Tired of Being Sick

I'm back! It's been a few weeks since I have felt like writing, or doing much of anything for that matter,

I have been suffering many physical problems such as, weak legs, fatigue, unregulated blood sugar, as well as, the struggle I am having hard time with word retrieval and memory. 

I really hate being like this, I have such a hard time doing things for myself. I hate that I can't do more. I dread Tuesdays, because I know I am going to have to drag myself upstairs at my client's house. I have been mowing the Seniors Complex for ten years. I love it, but not feeling well has put a crimp in it. I am so exhausted afterwards, that the next few days I am useless. 

There are so many things to be done this summer. and once again, I have been benched. 

It's my hope that things will take and upswing, so I don't have too miss the whole summer,

God Bless!

This Weekend I Wore The Mask

I can't make anyone understand how poorly I feel. I just want to stay at home and be left alone, 

This past weekend we had a meet and greet to attend on Saturday, by the time we arrived back home I was exhausted. On Sunday, we left the house early for church. The mask was on and ready to go to work. It was really hot outside, so it made it very hot inside the church,

I work in the kitchen along side my husbanddoing a coffee ministry. I was so hot and tired by the time set up was over. I didn't want anyone to talk to me or sit by me. I didn't want to have to engage in a conversation, that seemed trivial to me.

I was so hot and sweaty in church. I was able to concentrate some, but not as much as I would have liked. I had wanted to go out to eat, but when we got ready I just wanted to go home. I slept for a long time, once we were home. I told my husband, that I am sure that people don't know how badly I feel. 

He said that he often forgets as well.

I hate not being comfortable around people. I don't like that the noise of voices and kids screaming, sends my anxiety through the roof. I am not feeling well this morning, I hope that the day will get better.

Have a great day! 

A Visit To Mental Health

Yesterday, I had an appointment with the Mental Health Department. The woman who "interviewed" me was very nice. She asked me a ton of questions. I was a wreck when I got there, because I hate to talk about and relive my story.

The last question in her interview was, " when was the last time you had fun?". I thought this was a very stupid question, to ask a person, who can hardly get one foot ahead of the other. It sounds like those " ignorant" people who don't know any better. People who think that depression can be healed by doing an activity.

I thought I would be seeing a counselor but instead I was seen by a student, who is doing her practical work there. It's six month wait to get into a counselor there wait. She advised me too seek out a therapist in my area.

So here I am again with no counselor!
Oh well that's what happen when you deal with .a government department!
Now to find a therapist, Ugh!

The Misconceptions People Have About Anxiety Disorder

I didn't have a very good day yesterday. I was very emotional, way down, and so tired.  My husband, Mark and I did some gardening. It was tiring too me but getting it done was a great feeling.

Today, my post is on the subject of Anxiety, and what you should never say to someone who suffers with this disorder.

Here are the top 10 that people will say:

1. Why are you so quiet? This is one of the most unhelpful things that can be said to a person suffering with anxiety. with seem innocent enough to you,th SAD. You are singling out someone who doesn't want to be the center of attention, but you are also bringing attention to that person's anxiety; If you really want to start a conversation, try asking open-ended questions about topics that the person is passionate about or share a funny story you heard. He or she will be grateful you took the lead
2. You need to be more positive. A person with anxiety disorder has problematic thought patterns outside his control, these patterns are not easily changed without outside intervention. Although you may think that your advice is helpful, it trivializes the problem and places the blame on the person for not being able to "out-think" the disorder.
3. You just need to face your fears. This comment goes hand-in-hand with thinking positive. Although a person with SAD does need to face his fears, it needs to be done in a gradual way with professional supervision. Otherwise, anxiety can become so intense that the fear is increased rather than lessened.
4. I know how you feel...I'm shy too. There is nothing worse than hearing that someone knows how you feel when they clearly don't. Don't tell a person with anxiety disorder, that you know how he feels. Also, don't tell him that you used to be shy but you got over it and he can too. It minimizes his feelings by comparing it to yours. Unless you have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, you have no idea how a person with anxiety disorder feels.
5. I need you to make a presentation, in our meeting tomorrow. Always be sure to give a person with anxiety,  plenty of notice about social or performance job-related expectations such as presentations, employee luncheons or even casual discussions in meetings. A person with anxiety disorder,  does not react well to being put on the spot. If you truly value your employee, respect his need for advance notice and give it.
6. Why don't you have a drink and loosen up. Although most mean well when they advise that a person with SAD have a drink to relieve anxiety, it is a dangerous suggestion. People with SAD are at an increased risk for substance abuse disorders and it is never good idea to rely on a substance as a crutch Drinking as a way of coping with social anxiety can lead to the development of alcoholism.
7. Wow your face is really red. Chances are, the person whose face just turned red knows that it happened. And, you pointing it out probably made it turn three shades brighter.  People who blush easily, whether they have anxiety disorder or not,  generally don't like being made the center of attention when it happens. It's not something they can control and it will only embarrass them more.  
8. Let me order for you. Although it can be tempting to talk for a person with ansiety disorder, doing so both undermines that person's confidence and takes away an opportunity for him to practice to practice social skills. If you know someone who suffers with the disorder, be patient and supportive, but do not speak on his behalf.
9. Your hands were shaking during your speech. Again, chances are the person giving the speech knows that her hands shook the whole time. Finding out that other people noticed as well is only going to make things worse. Instead, find something positive to say about the speech and congratulate her on a job well done.
10. Anxiety Disorder isn't real. You're just shy. The attitude that people with the disorder are simply shy is part of the reason why most sufferers never seek help or receive treatment. Anxiety Disorder is more that shyness. it  affects every aspect of daily life. It is irresponsible to debate the legitimacy of something if you know little about it and have not experienced it firsthand.

If you or someone you know suffers with anxiety disorder. Please be understanding, compassionate, patient and loving. They can't explain how it really feels. All you have to know is it's real, it's serious and the sufferer can't tell you how they feel. 

My Blog Post For Today

This has been a very upsetting weekend. My friend's daughter, Jenn,  was killed in a car accident, in the early morning hours, of Friday morning.. She was thrown from the car into the river. The police worked diligently to locate her body, which happened yesterday morning. It is such a sad situation in many ways, Yesterday was her little sister, Hannah's, sixth birthday. Jenn had planned a party for her at Kingswood, an entertainment centre. It is unfortunate that Hannah's birthday will forever shrouded in grief. This family has taken such an two enormous hits. A few years back my friend's sister died of an epileptic seizure.

When Everything Feels Like A Failure, Especially You!

I often wonder why I am on the planet. It seems like everything I touch fails. I often feel that I am such a burden to my husband, even though he continually tells me I'm not. I am unable to work much so I don't feel like I contribute much to our lives. My not working puts more stress on him. He works between 60-70 hours a week. I am so afraid that something will happen to him, because he works  during the day, and then he has to do many of the chores at home.

I have often feel like I have failed in all aspects of my life. All the way from being reminded to take my pills to not being able to have children. I don't dream much anymore because they always come to nothing.

I am trying not to be negative all the time. This is where the Mask comes in to play. I can pretend to not be disappointed when projects don't go as planned, I can pretend to feel well, in order, that people won't ask me how I am.

I hope to have a good day. I hope my mask is on straight so I can get through the day. If you are feeling the same as I do, it is my hope that you can have a great day too.

Today's post is for all the friends and family members, who have someone in their lives who suffers with Mental Illness. There are people in my life who don't understand that I have a disease, and I'm not just suffering the Blues. 

I am going to give parent's, friends and others in your circle some advice about what and what not to say:

I'm here for you: 
What to say: You're not alone.
What not to say: There is always someone worse off than you are.

You matter: 
What to say: You are important to me.
What not to say: No one ever said life was fair.

Let me help:
What to say: Do you want a hug?
What not to say: Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Depression is real:
What to say: You are not going crazy.
What not to say: So you're depressed, aren't you always?

There is hope:
What to say: We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
What not to say: Try not to be so depressed

You can survive this:
What to say: When all this over; I'll still be here and so will you.
What not to say: It's your own fault.

I'll do my best to understand:
What to say:I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
What not to say: Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.

You won't drive me away:
What to say: I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.
What not to say: I think your depression is a way of punishing us.

I care about you:
What to say: I love you. (Say this only if you mean it.)
What not to say: Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?

We'll get through this together: 
What to say: I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.
What not to say: Have you tried chamomile tea?

If you, a friend or a family member is suffering with Mental Illness, please show them this blog post. If your family or friends have said any of the negative statements, make them read this post. 

Please don't allow people to bring you down. Don't let people make you doubt your illness. People are so insensitive and ignorant about Mental illness. Please share your story on this post. We need to raise the Awareness of Mental Illness, and those of us that live with this day by day, are the best eduators.

Mental Health Awareness

I am beginning this blog in order to help, in some way, to erase the stigma behind Mental Health.

There are many conditions, placed under the umbrella of mental illness. These include, Chronic Depression, Clinical Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Seasonal Effective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Agoraphobia, and many more.

There are no two people who suffer the same way, but all disorders should be taken seriously.

We, who suffer, often wear a mask so that no one will think we are different. The mask is so heavy and uncomfortable. You are continually trying to be normal. You smile, laugh and act interested in people's day to day lives.  All the while you are suffering inside. You don't want anyone to see behind the mask, because they will think you are different or dangerous. So many people are so ignorant to what this disease is like from day to day. It can be an accomplishment to get our of bed, getting dressed, brushing your hair and teeth, and going to work or school.

I struggle everyday with one disorder or another. I wear my mask most of the time. It's so exhausting and painful, If you are a mask wearer, you are safe here, leave a comment and share your feelings about the mask.